It’s been so long...

May 12, 2018
it’s been so long since we’ve updated about our girl and now isn’t the time, but these feelings must be wrote down, a release.
Today was hard. One day before mother’s day, a few hours away, i was torn all day. Sickness in the house, everyone exhausted, trying to hold it together. While at the doctor with a sick baby the phone rings, a worried daddy, hurry home, it’s happening...words i knew what they meant. Stuck in traffic on First ave, trying to get to Dunkin to buy a coffee, i quickly veered and weaved thru traffic i needed to get home. A text sent to my dad, we might need help. Panic but then calmness. I drove right by the cemetery, most view that as a place of sadness, afterall souls don’t live there, only physical remains do. But not for me, it’s comfort to be near physically to all those i love and miss especially my baby and my mama.
Before i got home the call came back, she was more stable, my heart had already stopped racing. It was ok. No need for coffee, it didn’t sound good, i just wanted to touch my girl. The rest of the aft was chaos, trying to keep our son comfortable and not worried, keep the Baby comfortable and away and mostly to keep our peanut comfortable and settled. We have those meds we have on hand for situations like this, i made the decision to call the on call hospice help line because we didn’t know what to expect and if we needed them i needed to know they had some background on our day. The tears flowed. Wow, this is our reality. Brad said, this sucks, it’s like we are living a secret life, a secret society. It’s true. We are. Much like the nicu, a world full of unknowns, but this world a child in hospice,we don’t know when the unknown will come.
The rest of the day was rough. She fussed so I’d hold her and get Her comfy then she needed to cough so she’d go on the floor, then she’d fuss and daddy would hold her. She’s sad and that breaks me. She knows what’s going on. As much as we don’t talk about it around her, we have kept the world closed off to this because we need to protect her, it’s her, she knows. This is when my prayer comes in, god i need you. I need you to protect my girl, i need you to hold her and let her know she’s loved, comfort her and give us all the strength to exceed anything she needs, we want the best of the best of the best for her, now and forever to eternal life. The baby is tucked in her bed, Dylan is tucked in his, and now we take turns holding our sweet girl. What will the next hours entail, what will tomorrow bring, i do not know. We are lonely, we are scared, we are sad, yet we feel so blessed she is ours and boy are we ever proud of her. There’s so much going on around us, yet we are here with our wheels spinning, digging into the ground going know where but to somewhere we are unfamiliar. What will this look like for us, it doesn’t matter, this secret society as lonely as it is today, we have each other and in this moment we get to hold our girl and all of our babies, except dalton, and holding her, playing with her hair, that is what matters. Lord will you please hold us too too...?