The loneliest place to be is in the middle of the scariest time of your life and feeling like you are living in secret. Well we pretty much are living in secret. All we have is each other. We have SO much more tho in the good days of our children living, physically loving up on them and being able to do so. Time is a thief I tell you because these are the days we want to keep forever, the days we want to remember forever. But let me mention for a moment the days that we want to forget. The days of feeling not included, the days of our family feeling left behind, the days of nobody 'checking-in' on us. And I'm being very brutally honest here because I need to get these feelings out because Brad and I have no other way to do so. So writing them down, maybe one day we will publish and they will help someone else.
We have felt for quite some time now, several years, that we haven't been included because of our family dynamics. And that hurts. Like it hurts so bad my tears right now feel like knives ripping down my cheeks. And I'll fully say my husband mentioned this to me forever ago and I kind of snubbed it off. I am not sure if its because I wasn't fully seeing it, or if its because I didn't want to believe it. But recently, the last couple of years, its apparent. And it truly doesn't matter because we don't want to 'push' our child aside to go do something that she cannot do. That's not fair. And its really not fair to ask someone to not go do that without us because it might hurt our feelings. That's not the answer either. What is the answer? I do not know. We have really tried to become hardened to these situations, to put up a wall so they don't bother us. But they bother us time and time again. We have tried to remember that not everyone who wants children of their own is even blessed with them, and how sad those people must feel. And those that want more than one child but it just can't happen, and how lonely maybe they feel. Or those who don't have any family at all, and not a circle of friends and how secluded those people may feel. We really try to put ourselves in those shoes of others to try and again push our feelings aside. Some days that is easy. Some days it is hard. Very hard. The birthday parties our girl doesn't get invited to. The play dates. The adventures of roller coasters and water slides. It actually hurts us the most for Danielle. Because she is FULLY cognizant of those things going on around her. She knows that those things exist, because in her younger years when she was more stable we did a few of those things with her. Now, we cannot. And it breaks me. Like truly it feels like someone took my heart and ripped it out and crushed it in to a zillion and ten pieces.
So how do we over come this? Well I am not sure but we try in the only way we know how. To just live our life and each day to its fullest and one day the times we have now, we will miss. And my heart will be crushed then, in a different way. So we do family theme nights. This is a way for all of us to be included. And with the baby going to bed pretty early, it allows us some extra time with the big kids. And these nights are becoming a family favorite. We are forced to stop other activities, focus on only one another and we find ourselves laughing during a movie, or during a board game of Sorry when all of us need to draw a 1 and that doesn't happen for an hour it feels like, or during outside time. In these moments everything seems a-ok. Our hearts seem a-ok.
Comparison is the thief of joy I tell you. It is rotten and it is horrible and gosh darn it, it shouldn't exist at all. And maybe some of the exclusion is our own fault. Maybe others assume we can't do things. Maybe because of social media, people 'assume' things in our life are fine. But this is a huge life lesson because you know what assumptions do.....they make an ass out of you and me. Just because you see something that appears to be so fine tuned and well, reach out and inquire. 'Hey friend! It seems you guys are doing so well. I'm happy for you! How is your family?' asking questions most often leads to some type of answer further more than what you 'see' or 'hear' from someone else. We are guilty of that too I know. I try to reach out to my close friends weekly. Even in the midst of the hardest time in my life I still don't want to use that as an excuse to shy away from everyone. Because I know the feeling of loneliness. And what do we have to feel lonely about when Brad and I have each other and our children? Well I don't know. I don't want to fear missing out on any moment at home that I never may get back. And I never want to fear missing out on any moment with friends or family that they may never do again. So what's the answer. We are swallowing our hurt and our pride and soaking up EVERY single memory with our babies. These days we know we will not get back, so I want to fully live up every single second of every single moment of the day. And I never want my children to ever say they feel like they missed out on anything either. So if my kids can one day say they lived a very full life, a very blessed memory filled life, then this hurt Brad and I feel seriously doesn't matter at all. Its just a feeling of a moment. We are doing ok pushing it aside, we are getting better at moving forward. And moving forward as a family of 5, together, is truly all that matters. We will make our own memories together, with others if we can at times, and I sure hope I look back on this moment and feel like I did everything in my power to make sure our children feel OH SO loved, and not the least bit less.
So dance and music parties while the boys are away swimming are just a few things we do. Mom is silly, the girls laugh and smile and in those moments life sure is good. Time stops and nothing outside matters. Nothing at all.
*please don't judge us for these feelings. Please don't take them personal. We are still learning too. Learning about each other and circumstances and family and friend dynamics. We don't want pitty at ALL. We just want to make people aware that these feelings are very real. So maybe it will help someone else at some point if something challenging comes up in their life too. Just help love us thru.
Hey, hey it's your Birthday!
3 years ago
