We never thought we would ever live life without our sweet big girl. Our life was her, for 10 + years. We GOT to give her life. Show her the world as that’s what parents are supposed to do right. Love on her, watch her learn and grow and thrive and flourish into this big beautiful butterfly princess that we always believed her to be. Danielle Marie, the sweetest smile, the brightest eyes that told such a story even if you only caught her glance for a moment, her voice and giggle. I longed for the day where I would hear her say, ‘ I love you Mommy’, or ‘I love you Daddy’. While we will long for those days to hear those words for the rest of our life, and they won’t happen, what we did get from our sweet girl was love in so many more forms than words can convey. She trusted us to give her the best of the best, and we did. While we firmly believe she knew from day one mommy and daddy would go to all the ends of the earth for her we were careful. No words were shared like that around our girl, because we didn’t want her to ever know that anyone placed limits on her. Zero negative conversations were had around her ever. Not in the nicu and not in her final days on earth. We believe she knew our faithfulness as parents in our actions. In our cares, the way she would put her head under my neck and nestle in and feel my calm heart beat with hers. She trusted us at every appt, at every surgery, at every consult when we told her, you got this big girl, we are so proud of you, keep fighting sweetie.
But then there came a time where her fight started to fade. And you so badly want to see it as you always have, and then you realize God had other plans.
Yet there are also things I really beat myself up over. Like when I was in labor with her, less than 12 hours after having my cervix checked and being told I was fine, yet calling into the doctor and then dismissing my labor pains. I regret when I started having contractions not having Brad drive me right to the university even with contractions less than 5 minutes apart. I know big girl that we did everything, EVERYTHING, yet the more time has gone on and for 10 years I relieved my pregnancy over and over in my mind I wish we would have sought a mfm. The mind can still get the best of us. The darkness creeps in because you are not here. I wish we would have known about the TAC that I got with Brinkley as it could have saved you. And while I know that none of these things happened because they weren’t apart of Gods journey for us, it’s still something that mommy wants to go back and fix, because.....what if.😓
There is no such thing as living the rest of our days without her here. What happens is we live our days as if she’s still here, we just live them differently. Danielle you aren’t here physically sweetie but you are always with us. You’re with us everywhere we go, in everything we do, we pray to you, we talk to you, we talk about you always. Our family activities start with asking each other, what would Danielle want to do if she were here, and we lead our decisions with that, while Dylan then takes it from there. We greet you when we get home and say our 'see ya laters' when we leave the house each day. You taught us so much about life and love and the true meaning of family and unconditional love. You may not have been able to communicate with words but your voice was so loud. You had so much to say in other ways.
There’s no such thing as getting over the loss of a child. There’s no such thing as living your days without them here. How do you just raise this gift that God gave you and then one day when that gift is gone, continue to live on? You don't. We don't. She’s here, tho not physically here, she’s prayerfully and faithfully here. I begged our sweet girl, please show us signs, please show mommy and daddy you are ok. And boy do we believe she is loving every way she shows us the signs she does. She might not have had the physical power here on earth to move her body but boy does she have eternal power now in heaven! And we believe she loves showing us her new angel skills.❤️ The way she makes the house cameras go off in Brinkleys room the minute we tell her we are leaving and exit the room. The way she has wrestled the Christmas tree ornaments from atop the tree down to the very bottom, the butterfly’s that find us in the wind and the rain, the rain drops on the window of the car in the figure of a little girl, the bald eagles that soar above even on the crummiest of days, the dove that appears where no other animals are near on a very cold December day, and so much more. The way Brinkley looks up randomly and waves and says, 'hi sissy'. The feelings that Dylan has when she is near. The dreams she visits us in. They are all so real.
But the images still haunt us from one year ago today. While you were at peace once god called you home, there was immense struggle before that, and that’s the horrible part that the devil never wants us to forget. But sweetie we believe you didn’t feel any pain, that you were in Gods hands. It’s just something your daddy and I need to keep praying for god to take that pain away. But it’s grief. It’s saddness. It’s this new journey that we are walking. It’s the loneliness of missing you. It’s wandering when we feel like you are somewhere but we just can’t get to you. It’s missing our home filled with nurses that were a part of our family. It’s missing school routines and meetings to give you the best of everything. It’s not spending hours each month at the children’s hospital, instead finding ways to donate our time there and volunteer elsewhere instead. It’s helping your brother find ways to feel comfortable in his new life of living without you by his side, which is all he’s ever known. It’s keeping your memory alive so your baby sister never ever forgets you and knows all about the biggest princess of our house. It’s keeping your memory alive and begging in our prayers that nobody ever forgets you.
We went to the most beautiful ceremony, as a family, for the donor network sweet girl because you blessed so many. It was the most bittersweet moment hearing from those who were able to get help and live on from donors like you big girl. You are such a gift beyond every single meaning of the word.
But I tell you sweet girl, we went to the cemetery today and found a couple new angels there, and a new butterfly that wasn’t there the other day. I melted down sweet girl, that means others come visit you there when we are away. That means the world to your daddy and I. It means that others are praying to you too! That was the biggest blessing of this very hard day, seeing that some one else stopped to visit because they were missing you too. Mommy received the most beautiful necklace in the mail last week with all you kids names engraved, and no message who it is from so I know who to thank. Whomever sent this gift, my heart is forever grateful. It is beautiful just beautiful.
Daddy brought you and Grammy roses today sweetie. White just as you both liked. I am sure the valleys of heaven are filled with rose fields as far as the eye can see.
We’ve spent the last 2 days away from home. It was too painful to wake up here and relieve every moment of that horrible day one year ago. Instead, we spent our days together in a beautiful place, letting Dylan choose our activities just as you would have wanted to do. And somehow finding the Christmas Spirit for your siblings when really it doesn’t feel right without you here, yet they remind us we still need to find a way to press on and try to do the best we can.
365 days, and countless hours without you in our arms, how can it be.... Without hearing your squeals and feeling your fingers around my neck. I still touch the cheeks of Dylan often as your skin felt exactly like his. Brinkleys hair is now longer and thick like yours and I’m so thankful she lets me run my fingers thru it as I close my eyes and pretend for a moment it’s you again. I walk into your closet for the smell of your clothes. To touch your blankets and extra cozy pj’s and play with your hair pretties. We know you are with your angel brother Dalton too, that does provide some strange peace to our aching hearts, but the constant wonders of what it would be like with all 4 of our babies with us, together on earth, is something we will forever wish for, and long for and wonder. It will be something we will always wish we had. It will be something that this Mommy and Daddy will be the first thing we look for when we are all reunited in Heaven. Having our family together at last.
Danielle please keep guiding us sweet girl. Guide our hearts. Guide our walk with Jesus and please never stop showing you are right here. And this Mommy promises to never ever stop including you sweet girl. You might be physically away from our site but never ever forgotten. Because this mommy and daddy are forever longing to see, feel, touch, smell and snuggle you again.💕~
